Exhausting Weekend Over in Time for the Work Week
Whew… Finally have a few minutes to breathe. Been a busy weekend, but we’re finally moved. Well, mostly moved, I should say — there’s still some odds and ends at the old house, but everything important is here. Which means my laptop, the internet connection, and the bed. Oh, yeah, and the wife and the cat and dog. I guess they count too 
The new house is definitely different. No garage, which means I don’t get my morning coffee/cigarette/laptop combination. And it also means that Chloe is going to be spending more time as an outside dog. I have mixed feelings about that. I mean, it’s great she gets to be outside and get some fresh air, but it’s El Paso. Even in the shade around this time of year, we’re talking 95+ degrees. Of course, the other option would be to make her a completely “inside” dog, but you know how dogs can get when they’re left to their own devices. The minute you walk out that door, they have all their friends over, drinking your booze, ordering dirty movies…
The place is smaller than where we were too, but that’s not that big of a deal — just took a little creative decorating (hey, who the hell else has their own dresser in their office?) and we got it all taken care of.
Other than that, just been worrying about work lately. There’s a project that needs to get done this week — and it’s a group effort, not just me — and if it doesn’t happen, then it appears I’ll have much more spare time to work on my next novel. Can’t say I’m terribly crazy about the idea, but at the same time I can’t really go into details about it. Suffice to say it’s one of those situations where it just ain’t fair, but there ain’t a damned thing you can really do but cross your fingers. (I’ve been trying that, but it makes it a bitch to type, which is a rather large job requirement for a software developer.)
Let’s see… Novel stuff… Ok, no recent news regarding Like Glass, but the publisher’s a little busy at the moment. The told me they’ll be able to focus on the book later this year, maybe start talking contracts next year. A little disappointing, but what can you do? Besides, I’ve got plenty else on my plate at the moment and not having to worry about the novel is a bit of a nice break. I’m also still throwing around ideas for book #3, minor sketches and a scene or two, but nothing that’s really catching my eye. Maybe the change of scenery will help with it.
Anyways, I’m exhausted and I need to shave and shower and all that happy crap. Catch you on the flip side…
–Matt
Another Day In Paradise
Okay, got up way too early this morning for a Monday, but it’s all good: one of the downsides of trying to work with someone in the UK is the ~7 hour time difference, but over the years I’ve become more of a morning person than I used to be. Coffee is my friend, and it’s a friend I cherish deeply.
Nothing really to report on the publishing deal yet, except for the fact I’ve discovered how different mailing addresses are in the US vs. those in the UK. The publisher wants a hard copy of Like Glass, and the other day I tried to start an order from Amazon to get an idea of how much it cost. Fifteen minutes later, I think I might have gotten it to accept their address, but I’m a little leary of sending it out. For roughly $50 total (w/ S&H), I’d really rather not take a chance on it coming back and having to send it again.
Also, I’m wanting to discuss the options we might have available for working on Shattered and Broken Peaces together — those are the other two books in the Like Glass series. We’ll see what happens with that. Not really getting my hopes up, but hey: stranger things have happened, right? At least Shattered is technically finished. It’s a mess at the moment, but mainly because I haven’t had any need to work on it (and I’ve had more pressing issues to deal with, like “real” life). If there were interest in it, I could probably have it polished up to a pleasant shine in a couple of months. Broken Peaces, now… that would take a little time. But hey, even if we signed the contract today, Like Glass wouldn’t come out for another couple of years, then Shattered would have to make it’s rounds, probably a year or so after Like Glass, and then we’d have to worry about where the final book in the trilogy is.
Aside from that though, things are trucking along. Work’s getting … interesting, to say the least, and quite hectic as project deadlines loom.
The missus and I are moving — did I mention that? Nothing major, just moving across town. Cheaper rent, and I’ll be a little closer to my old stomping grounds. Longer drive to and from work, but you can’t have everything, can you? Gonna get that taken care of this weekend — thankfully we’ve got some movers lined up, and that’ll make things a lot nicer.
Other than that, just another day in paradise. Need to start getting ready to get back into the grind, so I’ll catch you on the flip side.
–Matt
Early Morning = Time to Post
Damn, I’m really not doing that great of a job of keeping up with this thing, am I? 
Been a month and a half since my last “post”, which was just a JavaScript tip, and my last “real” post was a week before that.
Well, I can honestly say that things have been really hectic around here for quite some time, and it doesn’t look like they’ll be calming down anytime soon. Hell, I’m only posting now because I woke up at about 5:30 this morning, and I was able to get all my Facebook games out of the way with time to spare before I go to work.
Things are, as I said, pretty damned hectic right now. The Mrs. and I are moving (once again), which is always fun. I’m running two projects at work that need to be done last month, and I’ve got two more on the back-burner, where we’re waiting for some consultations to finish up. Once that gets done, I’ll be working on four projects. Throw into the mix the desire to try and keep up some semblence of a home life going, as well as the Facebook games I mentioned above, and I’m surprised I get any sleep at all.
No time for writing with all of that, of course, but trust me: it’s always in the back of my mind. I’ve thrown around tons of different story/novel ideas in the past few months, but none of them really seem to stick. Of course, they may all have turned out to be great projects to work on had I just sat down and started them, but of course I didn’t and none of them would stick after the fact.
That’s been one of the things I’ve tried to keep in mind — if there’s something I really want to work on, some idea that really sounds fantastic, then the idea just won’t leave me. It may fade out now and then, but it’ll always come back. I haven’t had any plot ideas that do that for me yet.
I’m sure they’ll pop back around when the time is right; at the moment, I’ve just got too much else on my plate. Or, another way of looking at it: I’m not quite as motivated to work on anything just yet. Last year, when I decided to work on Shattered (the sequel to Like Glass that I may-or-may-not ever release), I hated my job and wasn’t doing terribly well, psychologically speaking. This year, I actually like my job, and I’m in a much better frame of mind to boot. At the moment, I’m fairly content with my lot in life, and I don’t see any reason to put the kind of pressure on that’s required to toss out a novel.
Of course, that’s subject to change without notice…
Oh, and by the way, there’s a slim chance that there might be some news regarding Like Glass over the next couple of weeks. I’m not counting any chickens yet, but I want to throw that out there for you. And I’ve learned my lesson from past experiences: you will hear absolutely nothing more until everything is completely confirmed on all sides (although I may explain what’s going on if things fall through). So, stay tuned for that.
Anyways, I need to start getting ready for work. Catch you on the flip side.
–Matt
Life In Limbo
Today feels pretty damned strange. For the first time in what feels like forever – but surely is only a few months at most – I’m not pushing my writing, and it feels right this time. That’s not a big surprise to me; I know why this time feels different than the other times: I’ve admitted and accepted that I’m not a salesman in any way, and I don’t want to be one. That’s a big load off, as that’s what was bugging me the most.
What makes everything feel odd now is that I’ve spent so much time recently trying to sell my books that I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore. It’s like waking up from a fever, where you can finally see things with a bit of clarity, and everything seems a little different. And, I don’t really know what to do anymore.
I mean, there’s programming as the old standby. I’ve been struggling with that for a while, but I’m coming back to it with a kinder eye now. It’s more fun than it had been for a long time. I simply don’t know what kind of program to write. The only thing that suggests itself to me is a writer’s notebook application, but that feels fake, like I’m just trying to hold onto the writing/marketing gig too much. I know I wouldn’t use it, so what’s the point in writing it? (Not implying that I won’t be writing anymore, it’s just that that isn’t my “style” – I’m a seat-of-the-pants’er kind of writer, and my idea of being organized is limited to a note-card or two while I’m smoking.)
One thing that I know for sure though, and this may get me in trouble if anyone where I work sees this, but I need to find a new job. This one’s killing me. Well, it’s not killing me, but, to put it bluntly, it’s definitely making me consider death as a viable option. But I’ve got two strikes against me from the get-go: no college degree and a national recession. Plus, moving isn’t an option, and El Paso’s hardly the next Silicon Valley, which means most likely I’ll have to find someone willing to hire a telecommuter. (Relocating isn’t an option, unfortunately; too deep of roots out here, and me and the wife just simply aren’t moving again…) So, if you know someone who’s looking for a C# developer, drop me a line and we’ll see what we can work out.
Anyways, I need to figure out what direction to take my life now. Again. Ought to be fun, at any rate.
Catch you on the flip side.
–Matt
Pursuing Happiness
That’s what I’m having the biggest problem with in life: pursuing happiness. I don’t know exactly how to pursue it, and that’s what trips me up. Or, probably a bit more appropriately, I don’t know what to pursue – writing, music, programming. Or hell, even just pursuing nothing and “being” happy.
That last one is what my wife suggests, and I know she’s right, that’s the secret, just letting yourself be happy with where you’re at. I’ve spent my life trying to figure out where to go with myself though, that’s almost 30 years of trying to figure out my place in this world. That’s quite a bit of time to build up a lot of momentum, and it’s pretty hard to turn that momentum around and point it in a different direction.
But that’s where my mind’s at – today, at least, and if you pay any attention to this blog at all, you’ll know that’s subject to change without notice . Today I’m throwing around the idea of just letting go and enjoying the ride. I know this probably sounds like one of my “giving up again” kind of posts – and, in a way, it might be; I haven’t really decided how I feel about it yet. But it doesn’t feel like that, it doesn’t have the same “Oh! Woe is me!” kinda feel to it. I don’t think I’m giving up at all.
Just relaxing.
Last time I had some time off, I busted my ass trying to get Shattered finished. I succeeded, but damn did it drain me. I thought I’d feel a lot better about everything once I had it finished – book #2 finally out, kick back and rest for a bit and let it simmer before editing it and publishing it. Then maybe I’d be able to get a publisher or an agent, since (according to the rumors I’d heard, at least) two books are a bit easier to sell than one.
Didn’t work out that way. All that I accomplished was driving myself crazy, stressing out about getting it done before I had to go back to work. I mean, yeah, I finished it, but at the expense of enjoying some relaxing time off, making myself (and my wife) miserable in the process.
Now I’m wondering if I should try again here, as I approach some more time off. Should I try busting my ass, in the (most likely vain) hope that something will come of it later? Or should I just kick back and enjoy the ride?
This is where the whole “pursuing happiness” thing comes into play. There’s a part of me – a huge part of me – that doesn’t want to waste this time just relaxing, playing video games, and keeping track of what’s going on for the doctor. That’s the part of me that’s driven me – for better or worse – to become a musician, a writer, and a software developer with only minimal formal education in any of those subjects. Some times I like that part; it’s been pretty good to me in a lot of ways. Other times, I hate that part. It’s probably the biggest reason I have issues with depression and stress – I’m never good enough for myself, always need to keep pushing harder, blah blah blah.
The end goal with that train of thought is that, if I play my cards right and try hard enough, I’ll end up doing pretty good, financially speaking. I’ll finish that one project that’ll get me noticed by the world-at-large, and I’ll be able to either have plenty of time to just kick back and relax, or I’ll at least enjoy what I’m doing enough to where “work” won’t feel like work.
Of course, I’m sure you know how close that is to a pipe-dream. If you’ve ever tried to get an agent or publisher (if you’re a writer, of course), then you know how difficult it can be. And, of course, once you get one, that doesn’t mean you can start writing full time, either, because they normally don’t give beaucoup bucks to first-time novelists.
So, on the other side of the coin, since the odds of a mind-numbing effort now having any major repercussions in the near future are pretty slim, why not just kick back and enjoy what I have right now? Why worry so much about trying to get published, trying to get Shattered edited, trying to “work” on anything? Why not just enjoy a relaxing break and take care of what needs to be taken care of around the house and for the doctor?
It’s really a tough call for me, believe it or not. It’s really hard for me to relax without feeling like I’m just wasting the days. Or, since I pretty much am just wasting the days, to feel okay with that. I’ve rarely been comfortable just hanging out and doing nothing that doesn’t have the potential to get me known (not that I’ve ever actually finished any of those things, save the two books). I’ve always had to either be working on a project or learning how to do something. Taking my foot off the gas pedal feels a little strange.
So, I don’t know. I wish I could say with certainty that there’d be another book out in a month, or that Shattered would be edited and ready to publish, or that I’d have anything to show for this time off. I know once I go back to work, I’m not going to be able to really accomplish much of anything, so it’s kind of a “now or never” situation, but I don’t know if that really matters. Or, at least, it shouldn’t matter. I should just relax, I know that. Hell, I never thought that relaxing would be so damned stressful though…
That’s what I’m trying to figure out at the moment, which form of happiness to pursue: immediate, guaranteed happiness, or bust my ass now in the hopes of having a better future, with possibly “better’ happiness in the long run (though it’s hardly guaranteed, of course).
I don’t know. But, for today, I think I’m going to just kick back, since there’s only a couple more “useful” hours to play with anyways.
Catch you on the flip side.
–Matt
