Wanting to Clear Things Up a Little
It seems there was some confusion after yesterday’s post, and I want to try and clear it up a little bit. First off, let me just get this much out of the way: I’m not giving up on writing. At most, I’m putting it on the back burner for a little while. Even then, I’m mostly just admitting what’s been the case for a while now anyways — if not to everyone else, then at least to myself. Let me try to put it in a different perspective here, and even if it doesn’t help explain this at all, maybe it’ll give you a bit more insight into the kind of person I am.
Several lives ago, I was a pianist of sorts. Not professionally, not by a long shot. But I plinked around, and by most accounts I was pretty good at it. Wrote some music, learned some pretty high-level pieces. It was more than just something I’d screw around with on the weekends, but it wasn’t a large enough part of my life where I could’ve gotten a full scholarship to Julliard, for example. I took private lessons off and on for several years, and most of the time I’d do my homework the way everyone does homework — work on it until you get it done. Like English or Math homework, it was pretty boring, and mostly because it was of the “have to” kind instead of the “want to” kind. When I worked on the pieces I wanted to learn though, most of the time it was quite different.
Generally speaking, the way I’d approach a “practice” session was like this: I’d be sitting around the house, bored to tears. I’d go back to the piano, pull out a book of sheet music, and thumb through it until I found something that looked like fun. I’d then play as much as I could of it — sometimes all of it, more often maybe a page or so — until I got frustrated or bored with it. Then I’d find a different piece to play. Rinse and repeat. Rarely did I learn a piece in its entirety; most of the time, I’d learn a fair amount of the main melody section and give up when it got to the really hard part that I just couldn’t figure out. Basically — and this is the key point here — if the piece didn’t just come to me, if it wasn’t “easy”, then I’d scrap it and move on to one that was. Given the tastes I had in piano music, which included some of the most difficult pieces around, it should make perfect sense that my repertoire was quite small.
This is, obviously, a very ineffective method of learning an instrument. But it worked for me — at least, it worked well enough to where most of the people who knew me during that time still wonder why I’m not pursuing it anymore. By the time I “gave up”, I was quite a capable pianist.
Now, what I mean by the piece “coming” to me, or being “easy”, is not that the notes just happened to find their way under my fingers when they were supposed to. There was a lot more to it than that, and I did spend a lot of time practicing by “rote”, where I’d just sit there and work on the same measure or two for twenty minutes before moving on to the next one. But at those times, working on those two measures came easy to me. Other times it didn’t, and it was a matter of just sitting there, forcing myself to try. I’m sure you’ve been in similar situations — you have something you want to do, and you’ll do what it takes to get it done. At other times, even if its the same task, just thinking about it makes you miserable. If you’re a writer, I’m sure you know this very well. Sometimes the words flow like water; other times, you don’t feel like writing a shopping list.
Most people — at least, most of the ones I’ve heard discuss this matter — force themselves to work on something even when they don’t want to. I’m not talking about “work” work, like going to the office and shuffling papers for eight hours. I mean the stuff you can forget about doing for a week and it won’t make one bit of difference — you won’t get fired, you won’t lose your house; nothing will happen if you just “don’t” do whatever it is. Working on your novel, or your symphony, or your video game. Hobbies, basically.
I’ve never been able to do that, and that’s probably why I’m not on the New York Times bestseller list, or performing at Carnegie Hall next weekend. If I want to do something, I’ll attack it like a pit bull, damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead. If I don’t, then trying to just builds resentment and stress. If I’m in the mood to write, then I can take on a full novel in a matter of weeks — I’ve done it twice already. If I don’t, but feel I have to, then I stare at a video game, angry at myself for not getting it done.
Is that the way it should be? Is that the key to success in this world? Hell no, not by a long shot. Success comes from years — sometimes even decades — of consistent hard work. In the same breath though, is it worth it to drive y0urself crazy worrying about it? No, it’s not. It’s better to just be honest with yourself, and admit where you’re at. You either want it bad enough to where the work is irrelevant, or you don’t. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting it bad enough — maybe next week you will, or next month, or next year. Or maybe later on things will change to where the situation levels out better with how bad you want it, and you won’t have to try quite so hard to get the same result.
Maybe this makes sense; maybe not. Regardless, I’m not giving up on writing. I don’t know when — or even if — Shattered will be finished to the point I’ll be happy with it. I don’t know if there’ll be another book after it, even though I have a lot of stuff in mind for it. Maybe I’ll write another book that’s completely different, with different characters and maybe even a different genre. Maybe not. Maybe I’ll get a job bussing tables tomorrow, and I’ll be content enough with it that I’ll be able to relax and focus on writing. Maybe I’ll write twenty short stories this weekend, or maybe it’ll be a couple of years before I come up with something.
Right now, I don’t really know, but I’m okay with that. I don’t have to know. If I can get myself to accept that, then I can move on to the next battle 
–Matt
A Time to Change
I haven’t said anything, because it isn’t really anyone’s business right now, but I’ve been unemployed for almost two months. It still isn’t anyone else’s business, save for me and my wife, but it serves as a good starting point for this post, so there you go. I’ve been sitting around the house for a month and a half trying to think of ways I can make a buck, using the talents I have, and driving myself batshit-insane in the process. (Yes, batshit-insane is the technical term; look for it in the latest DSM.)
In this time, I’ve been doing freelance writing to make some extra cash, but mostly living off of my wife. I’m honestly quite ashamed of that; it’s my fault I’ve been out of work, and not because I just screwed up and got fired. I quit. Or resigned, if you want to paint it up a little. I quit because I didn’t really care for where I felt the company was going, and also because I’m Me, and I Can Handle It. Yes, that fine touch of arrogance that makes one think little can go wrong since they’re the star of the show.
That arrogance is an old friend of mine. Its gotten me into trouble many times.
I don’t say this for some self-effacement effect; I say this to just lay the cards on the table. I fucked up. Plain and simple. Contrary to popular belief (and what some genetic tests may say), I am human. I make mistakes.
Since I resigned, things have happened to put things in a different perspective. I thought I’d be able to support us with the freelance writing until something else came along; I know now that I can’t — at least not in the way I was trying. I thought I’d be able to get a few of my web site ideas off the ground to support us. I know now that I can’t, because it takes money to make money, even if that’s just to support you until you start making it on your own.
Shortly after I quit, my wife and I found out she’s pregnant. On one hand, this is absolutely wonderful news. We’ve both wanted children for a long time, and started trying shortly before I quit. On the other hand, I can’t support us right now; how the hell can I feed another mouth?
A little over a week ago, I received horrible news. I’m not going to discuss it, but it too has put things into an entirely different perspective. It’s one of those life-changers, and its one everyone will go through at some point. But its something that I need to deal with, and I can’t just sit around and play house-husband anymore.
Even though I can’t do a damned thing about it, I also can’t lean on my wife any more than I already am. She’s pregnant and supporting us; she doesn’t need the added stress. Hell, she doesn’t need the added stress of just supporting us, let alone if I were to try and pawn my problems off on her.
So I need to get a job. I need a paycheck, and I need to get out of the house. I need to take the load off of my wife’s shoulders — some of it, at least — and carry as much of it as I can myself. That way, maybe I can lean on her — ever so slightly — with this new problem and any others that come around.
I’ve been lying to myself for the past couple of years. I thought I could handle a job and a home life and a fledgling writing career. And maybe I could if I wanted it more; maybe that’s the problem, that I just don’t want it bad enough to put in the extra time it takes. But whether or not that’s true, I simply can’t do it. Not right now at least. And I can’t handle trying to make money by doing my own thing; it is simply too much stress, and it’ll just drive me crazy.
I haven’t written anything new in well over a month, and that was after a year of nothing new. I’m unable to focus on Shattered, and it still needs a lot of work. I already emailed my publisher to see what they want to do about it — it’s contracted, so I don’t think I can just bail, but I can’t bring myself to do anything else either.
The worst part is that it isn’t very likely I’ll find a job of any kind anytime soon. I spent too much time bouncing around to be an attractive candidate for anything that pays halfway decent. I don’t have a degree. I’ve spent ten years programming computers and websites; there’s no such jobs here in El Paso, and we aren’t willing to relocate. Any other position, and I’m pretty much entry level. Hell, I even got turned down by K-Mart as a sales associate. (Several others if you count the ones who simply didn’t respond.)
But I need to put writing on the back burner for now. I need to put my “killer website startup” attempts back on the shelf for now. I need to be able to put food on the table, gas in the car, and make enough so my wife can pay her copays the insurance leaves her with.
No comments on this one.
I need to get some dishes washed.
–Matt
Freelancing for Sanity
Well, it’s mid-June in El Paso, which means one thing: it’s hot. Plain and simple. I’m sitting in the shade on my lunch break, and it’s just miserable. Sure, I could go back inside where it’s slightly air conditioned, but I’d miss out on my only chance to smoke during the work day.
Anyways…
Yesterday I spent some time looking into finding freelance writing gigs, and it was a lot more difficult than I expected. I did find a couple of sites that seemed reasonable and signed up with both of them; we’ll see what happens.
There’s two reasons I’m trying to get into freelancing, and they’re vaguely related in the “if you squint really hard you’ll see what I mean” kind of way. The first is obvious – I’m terrible at “regular” jobs. You know the kind I mean: get up, get dressed, go to the office, put up with crap all day, come home so you can rest enough to do it all again the next day. I’ve never been any good at that, plain and simple. I always start a new job gung ho, ready to take on the world, and before long something inevitably happens that knocks the wind out of me.
Along with such jobs comes the mental (and physical) energy expenditures. That leaves me bone dry, and most companies – all the ones I’ve worked for anyways – frown upon taking time to rest yourself unless it falls outside of the hours they decide you’re going to work. Makes sense, and I can’t argue with it, but it doesn’t work well for me.
The lack of mental recuperation (and therefore energy) leaves me pretty much useless when it comes to doing the stuff I love. Writing, spending time with my wife, music, anything. The first two are most important to me at this time (not in that order; my wife’s happiness is far more important, but that’s a topic for another time), and those two are the ones that suffer the most.
Aside from addressing the mental drain, there’s a much more practical reason. I’ll be able to (hopefully) support my family by doing something that can only help improve my writing abilities, and that in turn could lead to better (and therefore more profitable – let’s not gild the lily here) artistic pursuits, like novels and stories.
Will I make a fortune with it? Probably not. But it’ll be a foot in the door and it could very well get me out of the computer industry. Right now that’s definitely a major consideration as well.
Anyways, I need to get back to chain smoking for the duration of my lunch hour. Catch you on the flip side.
–Matt
Exhausting Weekend Over in Time for the Work Week
Whew… Finally have a few minutes to breathe. Been a busy weekend, but we’re finally moved. Well, mostly moved, I should say — there’s still some odds and ends at the old house, but everything important is here. Which means my laptop, the internet connection, and the bed. Oh, yeah, and the wife and the cat and dog. I guess they count too
The new house is definitely different. No garage, which means I don’t get my morning coffee/cigarette/laptop combination. And it also means that Chloe is going to be spending more time as an outside dog. I have mixed feelings about that. I mean, it’s great she gets to be outside and get some fresh air, but it’s El Paso. Even in the shade around this time of year, we’re talking 95+ degrees. Of course, the other option would be to make her a completely “inside” dog, but you know how dogs can get when they’re left to their own devices. The minute you walk out that door, they have all their friends over, drinking your booze, ordering dirty movies…
The place is smaller than where we were too, but that’s not that big of a deal — just took a little creative decorating (hey, who the hell else has their own dresser in their office?) and we got it all taken care of.
Other than that, just been worrying about work lately. There’s a project that needs to get done this week — and it’s a group effort, not just me — and if it doesn’t happen, then it appears I’ll have much more spare time to work on my next novel. Can’t say I’m terribly crazy about the idea, but at the same time I can’t really go into details about it. Suffice to say it’s one of those situations where it just ain’t fair, but there ain’t a damned thing you can really do but cross your fingers. (I’ve been trying that, but it makes it a bitch to type, which is a rather large job requirement for a software developer.)
Let’s see… Novel stuff… Ok, no recent news regarding Like Glass, but the publisher’s a little busy at the moment. The told me they’ll be able to focus on the book later this year, maybe start talking contracts next year. A little disappointing, but what can you do? Besides, I’ve got plenty else on my plate at the moment and not having to worry about the novel is a bit of a nice break. I’m also still throwing around ideas for book #3, minor sketches and a scene or two, but nothing that’s really catching my eye. Maybe the change of scenery will help with it.
Anyways, I’m exhausted and I need to shave and shower and all that happy crap. Catch you on the flip side…
–Matt
Another Day In Paradise
Okay, got up way too early this morning for a Monday, but it’s all good: one of the downsides of trying to work with someone in the UK is the ~7 hour time difference, but over the years I’ve become more of a morning person than I used to be. Coffee is my friend, and it’s a friend I cherish deeply.
Nothing really to report on the publishing deal yet, except for the fact I’ve discovered how different mailing addresses are in the US vs. those in the UK. The publisher wants a hard copy of Like Glass, and the other day I tried to start an order from Amazon to get an idea of how much it cost. Fifteen minutes later, I think I might have gotten it to accept their address, but I’m a little leary of sending it out. For roughly $50 total (w/ S&H), I’d really rather not take a chance on it coming back and having to send it again.
Also, I’m wanting to discuss the options we might have available for working on Shattered and Broken Peaces together — those are the other two books in the Like Glass series. We’ll see what happens with that. Not really getting my hopes up, but hey: stranger things have happened, right? At least Shattered is technically finished. It’s a mess at the moment, but mainly because I haven’t had any need to work on it (and I’ve had more pressing issues to deal with, like “real” life). If there were interest in it, I could probably have it polished up to a pleasant shine in a couple of months. Broken Peaces, now… that would take a little time. But hey, even if we signed the contract today, Like Glass wouldn’t come out for another couple of years, then Shattered would have to make it’s rounds, probably a year or so after Like Glass, and then we’d have to worry about where the final book in the trilogy is.
Aside from that though, things are trucking along. Work’s getting … interesting, to say the least, and quite hectic as project deadlines loom.
The missus and I are moving — did I mention that? Nothing major, just moving across town. Cheaper rent, and I’ll be a little closer to my old stomping grounds. Longer drive to and from work, but you can’t have everything, can you? Gonna get that taken care of this weekend — thankfully we’ve got some movers lined up, and that’ll make things a lot nicer.
Other than that, just another day in paradise. Need to start getting ready to get back into the grind, so I’ll catch you on the flip side.
–Matt
Early Morning = Time to Post
Damn, I’m really not doing that great of a job of keeping up with this thing, am I? 
Been a month and a half since my last “post”, which was just a JavaScript tip, and my last “real” post was a week before that.
Well, I can honestly say that things have been really hectic around here for quite some time, and it doesn’t look like they’ll be calming down anytime soon. Hell, I’m only posting now because I woke up at about 5:30 this morning, and I was able to get all my Facebook games out of the way with time to spare before I go to work.
Things are, as I said, pretty damned hectic right now. The Mrs. and I are moving (once again), which is always fun. I’m running two projects at work that need to be done last month, and I’ve got two more on the back-burner, where we’re waiting for some consultations to finish up. Once that gets done, I’ll be working on four projects. Throw into the mix the desire to try and keep up some semblence of a home life going, as well as the Facebook games I mentioned above, and I’m surprised I get any sleep at all.
No time for writing with all of that, of course, but trust me: it’s always in the back of my mind. I’ve thrown around tons of different story/novel ideas in the past few months, but none of them really seem to stick. Of course, they may all have turned out to be great projects to work on had I just sat down and started them, but of course I didn’t and none of them would stick after the fact.
That’s been one of the things I’ve tried to keep in mind — if there’s something I really want to work on, some idea that really sounds fantastic, then the idea just won’t leave me. It may fade out now and then, but it’ll always come back. I haven’t had any plot ideas that do that for me yet.
I’m sure they’ll pop back around when the time is right; at the moment, I’ve just got too much else on my plate. Or, another way of looking at it: I’m not quite as motivated to work on anything just yet. Last year, when I decided to work on Shattered (the sequel to Like Glass that I may-or-may-not ever release), I hated my job and wasn’t doing terribly well, psychologically speaking. This year, I actually like my job, and I’m in a much better frame of mind to boot. At the moment, I’m fairly content with my lot in life, and I don’t see any reason to put the kind of pressure on that’s required to toss out a novel.
Of course, that’s subject to change without notice…
Oh, and by the way, there’s a slim chance that there might be some news regarding Like Glass over the next couple of weeks. I’m not counting any chickens yet, but I want to throw that out there for you. And I’ve learned my lesson from past experiences: you will hear absolutely nothing more until everything is completely confirmed on all sides (although I may explain what’s going on if things fall through). So, stay tuned for that.
Anyways, I need to start getting ready for work. Catch you on the flip side.
–Matt
Life In Limbo
Today feels pretty damned strange. For the first time in what feels like forever – but surely is only a few months at most – I’m not pushing my writing, and it feels right this time. That’s not a big surprise to me; I know why this time feels different than the other times: I’ve admitted and accepted that I’m not a salesman in any way, and I don’t want to be one. That’s a big load off, as that’s what was bugging me the most.
What makes everything feel odd now is that I’ve spent so much time recently trying to sell my books that I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore. It’s like waking up from a fever, where you can finally see things with a bit of clarity, and everything seems a little different. And, I don’t really know what to do anymore.
I mean, there’s programming as the old standby. I’ve been struggling with that for a while, but I’m coming back to it with a kinder eye now. It’s more fun than it had been for a long time. I simply don’t know what kind of program to write. The only thing that suggests itself to me is a writer’s notebook application, but that feels fake, like I’m just trying to hold onto the writing/marketing gig too much. I know I wouldn’t use it, so what’s the point in writing it? (Not implying that I won’t be writing anymore, it’s just that that isn’t my “style” – I’m a seat-of-the-pants’er kind of writer, and my idea of being organized is limited to a note-card or two while I’m smoking.)
One thing that I know for sure though, and this may get me in trouble if anyone where I work sees this, but I need to find a new job. This one’s killing me. Well, it’s not killing me, but, to put it bluntly, it’s definitely making me consider death as a viable option. But I’ve got two strikes against me from the get-go: no college degree and a national recession. Plus, moving isn’t an option, and El Paso’s hardly the next Silicon Valley, which means most likely I’ll have to find someone willing to hire a telecommuter. (Relocating isn’t an option, unfortunately; too deep of roots out here, and me and the wife just simply aren’t moving again…) So, if you know someone who’s looking for a C# developer, drop me a line and we’ll see what we can work out.
Anyways, I need to figure out what direction to take my life now. Again. Ought to be fun, at any rate.
Catch you on the flip side.
–Matt
Pursuing Happiness
That’s what I’m having the biggest problem with in life: pursuing happiness. I don’t know exactly how to pursue it, and that’s what trips me up. Or, probably a bit more appropriately, I don’t know what to pursue – writing, music, programming. Or hell, even just pursuing nothing and “being” happy.
That last one is what my wife suggests, and I know she’s right, that’s the secret, just letting yourself be happy with where you’re at. I’ve spent my life trying to figure out where to go with myself though, that’s almost 30 years of trying to figure out my place in this world. That’s quite a bit of time to build up a lot of momentum, and it’s pretty hard to turn that momentum around and point it in a different direction.
But that’s where my mind’s at – today, at least, and if you pay any attention to this blog at all, you’ll know that’s subject to change without notice . Today I’m throwing around the idea of just letting go and enjoying the ride. I know this probably sounds like one of my “giving up again” kind of posts – and, in a way, it might be; I haven’t really decided how I feel about it yet. But it doesn’t feel like that, it doesn’t have the same “Oh! Woe is me!” kinda feel to it. I don’t think I’m giving up at all.
Just relaxing.
Last time I had some time off, I busted my ass trying to get Shattered finished. I succeeded, but damn did it drain me. I thought I’d feel a lot better about everything once I had it finished – book #2 finally out, kick back and rest for a bit and let it simmer before editing it and publishing it. Then maybe I’d be able to get a publisher or an agent, since (according to the rumors I’d heard, at least) two books are a bit easier to sell than one.
Didn’t work out that way. All that I accomplished was driving myself crazy, stressing out about getting it done before I had to go back to work. I mean, yeah, I finished it, but at the expense of enjoying some relaxing time off, making myself (and my wife) miserable in the process.
Now I’m wondering if I should try again here, as I approach some more time off. Should I try busting my ass, in the (most likely vain) hope that something will come of it later? Or should I just kick back and enjoy the ride?
This is where the whole “pursuing happiness” thing comes into play. There’s a part of me – a huge part of me – that doesn’t want to waste this time just relaxing, playing video games, and keeping track of what’s going on for the doctor. That’s the part of me that’s driven me – for better or worse – to become a musician, a writer, and a software developer with only minimal formal education in any of those subjects. Some times I like that part; it’s been pretty good to me in a lot of ways. Other times, I hate that part. It’s probably the biggest reason I have issues with depression and stress – I’m never good enough for myself, always need to keep pushing harder, blah blah blah.
The end goal with that train of thought is that, if I play my cards right and try hard enough, I’ll end up doing pretty good, financially speaking. I’ll finish that one project that’ll get me noticed by the world-at-large, and I’ll be able to either have plenty of time to just kick back and relax, or I’ll at least enjoy what I’m doing enough to where “work” won’t feel like work.
Of course, I’m sure you know how close that is to a pipe-dream. If you’ve ever tried to get an agent or publisher (if you’re a writer, of course), then you know how difficult it can be. And, of course, once you get one, that doesn’t mean you can start writing full time, either, because they normally don’t give beaucoup bucks to first-time novelists.
So, on the other side of the coin, since the odds of a mind-numbing effort now having any major repercussions in the near future are pretty slim, why not just kick back and enjoy what I have right now? Why worry so much about trying to get published, trying to get Shattered edited, trying to “work” on anything? Why not just enjoy a relaxing break and take care of what needs to be taken care of around the house and for the doctor?
It’s really a tough call for me, believe it or not. It’s really hard for me to relax without feeling like I’m just wasting the days. Or, since I pretty much am just wasting the days, to feel okay with that. I’ve rarely been comfortable just hanging out and doing nothing that doesn’t have the potential to get me known (not that I’ve ever actually finished any of those things, save the two books). I’ve always had to either be working on a project or learning how to do something. Taking my foot off the gas pedal feels a little strange.
So, I don’t know. I wish I could say with certainty that there’d be another book out in a month, or that Shattered would be edited and ready to publish, or that I’d have anything to show for this time off. I know once I go back to work, I’m not going to be able to really accomplish much of anything, so it’s kind of a “now or never” situation, but I don’t know if that really matters. Or, at least, it shouldn’t matter. I should just relax, I know that. Hell, I never thought that relaxing would be so damned stressful though…
That’s what I’m trying to figure out at the moment, which form of happiness to pursue: immediate, guaranteed happiness, or bust my ass now in the hopes of having a better future, with possibly “better’ happiness in the long run (though it’s hardly guaranteed, of course).
I don’t know. But, for today, I think I’m going to just kick back, since there’s only a couple more “useful” hours to play with anyways.
Catch you on the flip side.
–Matt
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