Pursuing Happiness
That’s what I’m having the biggest problem with in life: pursuing happiness. I don’t know exactly how to pursue it, and that’s what trips me up. Or, probably a bit more appropriately, I don’t know what to pursue – writing, music, programming. Or hell, even just pursuing nothing and “being” happy.
That last one is what my wife suggests, and I know she’s right, that’s the secret, just letting yourself be happy with where you’re at. I’ve spent my life trying to figure out where to go with myself though, that’s almost 30 years of trying to figure out my place in this world. That’s quite a bit of time to build up a lot of momentum, and it’s pretty hard to turn that momentum around and point it in a different direction.
But that’s where my mind’s at – today, at least, and if you pay any attention to this blog at all, you’ll know that’s subject to change without notice 
. Today I’m throwing around the idea of just letting go and enjoying the ride. I know this probably sounds like one of my “giving up again” kind of posts – and, in a way, it might be; I haven’t really decided how I feel about it yet. But it doesn’t feel like that, it doesn’t have the same “Oh! Woe is me!” kinda feel to it. I don’t think I’m giving up at all.
Just relaxing.
Last time I had some time off, I busted my ass trying to get Shattered finished. I succeeded, but damn did it drain me. I thought I’d feel a lot better about everything once I had it finished – book #2 finally out, kick back and rest for a bit and let it simmer before editing it and publishing it. Then maybe I’d be able to get a publisher or an agent, since (according to the rumors I’d heard, at least) two books are a bit easier to sell than one.
Didn’t work out that way. All that I accomplished was driving myself crazy, stressing out about getting it done before I had to go back to work. I mean, yeah, I finished it, but at the expense of enjoying some relaxing time off, making myself (and my wife) miserable in the process.
Now I’m wondering if I should try again here, as I approach some more time off. Should I try busting my ass, in the (most likely vain) hope that something will come of it later? Or should I just kick back and enjoy the ride?
This is where the whole “pursuing happiness” thing comes into play. There’s a part of me – a huge part of me – that doesn’t want to waste this time just relaxing, playing video games, and keeping track of what’s going on for the doctor. That’s the part of me that’s driven me – for better or worse – to become a musician, a writer, and a software developer with only minimal formal education in any of those subjects. Some times I like that part; it’s been pretty good to me in a lot of ways. Other times, I hate that part. It’s probably the biggest reason I have issues with depression and stress – I’m never good enough for myself, always need to keep pushing harder, blah blah blah.
The end goal with that train of thought is that, if I play my cards right and try hard enough, I’ll end up doing pretty good, financially speaking. I’ll finish that one project that’ll get me noticed by the world-at-large, and I’ll be able to either have plenty of time to just kick back and relax, or I’ll at least enjoy what I’m doing enough to where “work” won’t feel like work.
Of course, I’m sure you know how close that is to a pipe-dream. If you’ve ever tried to get an agent or publisher (if you’re a writer, of course), then you know how difficult it can be. And, of course, once you get one, that doesn’t mean you can start writing full time, either, because they normally don’t give beaucoup bucks to first-time novelists.
So, on the other side of the coin, since the odds of a mind-numbing effort now having any major repercussions in the near future are pretty slim, why not just kick back and enjoy what I have right now? Why worry so much about trying to get published, trying to get Shattered edited, trying to “work” on anything? Why not just enjoy a relaxing break and take care of what needs to be taken care of around the house and for the doctor?
It’s really a tough call for me, believe it or not. It’s really hard for me to relax without feeling like I’m just wasting the days. Or, since I pretty much am just wasting the days, to feel okay with that. I’ve rarely been comfortable just hanging out and doing nothing that doesn’t have the potential to get me known (not that I’ve ever actually finished any of those things, save the two books). I’ve always had to either be working on a project or learning how to do something. Taking my foot off the gas pedal feels a little strange.
So, I don’t know. I wish I could say with certainty that there’d be another book out in a month, or that Shattered would be edited and ready to publish, or that I’d have anything to show for this time off. I know once I go back to work, I’m not going to be able to really accomplish much of anything, so it’s kind of a “now or never” situation, but I don’t know if that really matters. Or, at least, it shouldn’t matter. I should just relax, I know that. Hell, I never thought that relaxing would be so damned stressful though…
That’s what I’m trying to figure out at the moment, which form of happiness to pursue: immediate, guaranteed happiness, or bust my ass now in the hopes of having a better future, with possibly “better’ happiness in the long run (though it’s hardly guaranteed, of course).
I don’t know. But, for today, I think I’m going to just kick back, since there’s only a couple more “useful” hours to play with anyways.
Catch you on the flip side.
–Matt
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