This Should Not Come as a Big Surprise….
…but I think I might be stretching out my writing muscles again. It’s been a while, and I’m not making any promises (because I know I’ll just break them as soon as I make them anyways), but I think I might be opening the door to Rob’s world once again. Might even re-neg on one of my earlier posts and actually go through with editing and publishing Shattered. Should be interesting.
That’s all I’m going to say for now though; keep your eyes peeled.
–Matt
So Much for the 27 Club
Well, if nothing else, I’ve officially passed any opportunities I may have had for joining the 27 club — I’m officially 28 today (and besides, I think you have to be famous — especially as a musician — for you to be part of said club…). So, I’ve spent the day reading quotes from bash.org and doing absolutely nothing. Of course, that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing every day since I got back on leave, so it isn’t anything special.
Got a message on FB from a friend of mine who finished reading Like Glass, and (of course) they said it was great. Kinda irks me — and don’t take this the wrong way, if you happen to catch this — but it makes me wonder, if the damned book is so “great”, as everyone has said it is, why the fuck couldn’t I get it published? I dunno… Not gonna worry about it anymore; I think I’m done with that side of my life for now.
Was giving a half-assed thought to starting up my own company again, “Chocolate for Dogs Productions” (or something stupid like that). Sell my books, music, and software under one name, all relatively cheap. Not worth it though, especially when I’d have to worry about filing taxes and everything. It’d be fun to screw around with the stuff for a month or two, and then I’m sure I’d get tired of it.
Also, and this is one of the reasons I haven’t done much posting lately, I’ve been kinda keeping my eye out for another job. That’s a joke though. There’s no jobs out here, nothing that I can do with the skills I have and make as much money as I’m making now. I dunno….
I’ve been trying really hard to try and keep my chin up for a long time (I know it probably doesn’t sound like it most of the time), but the fact is nothing gets better, and I’m fucking tired of it. Meds don’t help. Therapy didn’t help. I don’t want to deal with either of those any more — I stopped doing the therapy stuff, and I’m seriously thinking of talking to my doc at the next appointment and dropping the meds too. It’s a waste of fucking time and money — and there isn’t a lot of the latter to waste any more.
Okay, I’m going to bash.org again, get a few more laughs before I have to go pick the wife up.
–Matt
Quickie Post — Where I’m At (Crappy Title, I Know)
Supposed to go see the shrink on Friday, but I’m thinking I may try and get an appointment set up for sooner if possible. I’m getting pretty close to just giving up — already stopped seeing the therapist, because as good as she is, I just don’t have the desire to get “better” at the moment. The meds the doc’s got me on just aren’t helping at all, and I’m getting a little tired of all the treatment stuff.
I knew going into all this that it wasn’t going to be any kind of a quick fix. I knew that the meds have to be tweaked: try different kinds at different dosages until you find what works. I knew that the cognitive therapy (counseling) would be a lot of hard work. And I was fine with that going into everything. Now, it’s just feeling like it’s a waste of time. I know you get out of it what you put into it, and lately I just don’t feel like putting anything into it anymore.
Still don’t know where the hell to go with anything. I almost feel like trying to write again, but to what end? I’m not going to get published; I’m not even going to simply try that anymore. Just not worth the energy required. Music? Probably not. I think I’ve had enough of software development, but I don’t really know what the hell else I can do with my life. Flip burgers for minimum wage? Well, someone’s got to do it…
Anyways, I’d better get ready to go back to the grind.
–Matt
Just Another Day in Paradise…
Very tired today. Don’t know if it’s just lack of sleep (probably) or what, but it feels deeper than that.
Been having problems concentrating at work. They gave me a rather simple project to try and get back in the loop with — just writing documentation — and I keep blanking out every time I try and do anything. I just stare at the computer screen and my eyes glaze over a little bit. Not cool.
Don’t really know what’s going on. Maybe I’m just worn out, but it feels like I can’t really do much “higher thought” kinda stuff any more. Like my brain just ain’t as sharp as it used to be. Don’t know if I’ve turned it off myself — trying to keep from getting burned out (ha ha) — or what.
Played “Name That Tune” with the Mrs. last night, and for some reason it really depressed me. I can point out (for example) “Lose Yourself” by Eminem within three notes, but I can’t function at even a modest level for work. Too bad you can’t make a living guessing songs…
Need to get ready for work; already running a little late.
–Matt
Not Really Anywhere
Well, day one back at work is in the books, and it went rather smoothly. Don’t know if I’ll be able to change teams/departments — I mentioned it to my boss at least though, so we’ll see what happens. Right now they just have me doing some documentation, so that’s cool; I don’t know how well I’d do at coding right at the moment, as I haven’t written a line of code in a month and a half at least.
Still don’t know where exactly I’m at. Felt kinda out of it for most of the day yesterday. Not exactly nervous or anxious, but not exactly comfortable either, and … well … just not “all there”. I don’t really know how to describe it.
Also, don’t have a clue where I’m going, either. Or (for that matter) if I even care where I’m going. I had a mild urge to try and write last night, and for most of yesterday I was almost in “planning mode”, waiting for some ideas, whether it’s for a book or a program or a business or whatever, but at the same time it was quite distant. Not very imperative. I don’t know if it’s a hint of a dying ghost, or if it’s my old ambitions trying to grow back.
Anyways, need to get ready to go.
–Matt
Dreams and Reality
Blesed are those taken by Death before their dreams could fall, for they knew not the heartache of time.
I’ve been doing some thinking lately (oh God, here we go again), and this time it’s been mostly on the subject of dreams. I don’t mean the hallucinations you have at night, more like goals, fantasies, day-dreams, whatever.
I was thinking, how reasonable is it to tell someone their dreams will come true, all they need to do is work hard at it? I mean, just off the top of my head, how many people have seriously dreamed of being President of the U.S.? On the starting line up of the Chicago Bulls? How many performers have dreamed of playing Carnegie Hall?
We often hear people talking about how their dream came true, of how they’re proof that with enough hard work and determination, you can accomplish anything. I ask, how many stories of the opposite kind remain untold? How mamy people have died after a long life of pursuing their dreams in vain? We never hear those stories; I guess those aren’t good PR. They don’t instill hope, the naive ambition that keeps us going, day after day, working hard pushing buttons and pulling the levers of the corporate machine to make someone else’s dream come true.
So which would be more cruel? To dash someone’s hopes, make them aware of the true nature of the world, while they’re still young enough to change their perspective? In my freshman class of high school, there were almost two-thousand students — that’s just the freshman, not counting the other three grades. And even then, though somewhat tainted by the cynicism of reality, we were still told we could accomplish anything we set our mind to.
That’s two-thousand students getting their hopes up, having a false reality built underneath them with a shaky foundation of lies, dreams, and ambitions of becoming “somebody” in this world. Is it fair to them? I don’t think so. That’s two-thousand broken hearts just waiting to happen. No one ever goes around telling people “Bust your ass, and you might be a manager at McDonalds. If you’re lucky, of course.” Because that doesn’t sound good; c’mon, we’re a nation that would rather spend billions of dollars per year on industries that openly lie to us — movies, books, television — because we don’t like the truth.
A wise man once told me, when I was strung out over some girl in high school, that the odds were good that most of the girls I knew would end up becoming some Saturday night special in a cheap bar somewhere around town. And the more I see of life, the more I realize he was right. We all dream of becoming doctors, lawyers, teachers, or more, but when reality sets in, most of us won’t get there. There’s the old stand-by “Life just got in the way,” when in reality we were simply dealt the hand we were dealt, and told that it was a royal flush before we really knew the rules of the game.
–Matt
Have To
One thing that I’ve grown up with is a kind of belief that I “have to” accomplish certain things. I have to become a published writer. I have to work on music. I have to be a software developer. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember — I had to have some particular calling, some ultimate plan or goal in my life.
What’s been going through my mind recently, therefore, has been quite a change. It’s really simple, and something that most people probably already believe; what can I say? I’m a little slow sometimes.
I don’t have to do a goddamned thing. Someday, I have to die, and all I have to do until then is exist. I don’t have to have a great job. I don’t have to own a house. I don’t have to write another book, or any more music. The job that I have right now requires I write software, but I don’t have to do a damned thing with it outside of work. If I ever get a different job, maybe that’ll change too.
The only reason I have to work is that I want to provide food and shelter for my family in some manner. Developing software is as good a way as any, and better than some.
So, for the time being at least, that’s how I’m looking at life: something I have to do until I die, and that’s simply by definition. Call me cynical if you like, but for now I’m defining life as that annoying period between birth and death. There is no meaning to it, no real point. At least, not from my perspective, unless you count the scientific view of continuing the species. Or, for something a little “happier”, watch City Slickers, where Curly defines the meaning of life. I used to go for that. Or hell, maybe it really is 42 and we’re all fucked.
–Matt
Yet Another “Going-Back-On-Previous-Post” Post
One of these days I’ll learn to keep my mouth shut when it comes to making announcements. You’d think I’d have learned my lesson just from the little fiasco with Vanilla Heart Publishing, but alas, no, I haven’t.
Now, of course, I’m referring to my previous declaration of my intent to go back to school and pursue music once again. As always, I spoke without having fully thought everything through, and upon further review the situation isn’t quite what I thought it was.
So, now what? Good question. Basically, all that’s left is to just give in and go back to work, and set aside what I can so my children don’t have the same problem(s).
I’ve been doing a lot of reading on Wikipedia lately — actually, I’ve done very little but read Wikipedia in the past three weeks — and I came across some stuff on Buddhism that I really like.
Basically, there’s “Four Noble Truths”; I’m not going to cover them — you can look it up if you like. The third one says that, to eliminate suffering, one must eliminate cravings. This makes perfect sense, to me at least. I’m most unhappy when what I want doesn’t equal what I have (either immediately or in the foreseeable future). I can’t change my surroundings; I’m stuck at a job I despise, with no possibility that’s going to improve. Sorry, I’ve given up hope of that.
So, instead of changing what I have, I change what I want. Instead of wanting to be a published author and making myself miserable while I work on it, I simply stop wanting to be a published author. Instead of wanting to teach music somewhere, and make myself again miserable in the process, I make myself stop wanting it. Instead of wanting a good job that pays the bills and doesn’t drive me to suicidal ideations at least once a day, I need to simply want what I have.
It’ll be tough, but it’ll be easier than trying to change circumstances I have no control over. We’ll see what happens.
–Matt
Like Glass As a Serial…
Okay, I’ve been doing quite a bit of posting here in the past day or so, as I’ve been trying to deal with my own little writer demons, and you’re probably getting a little tired of it 
That said, here I go again…
One of the suggestions that was posted previously was that I release Like Glass (and I’m extending that possibly to Shattered as well) as a series of blog posts. There were a couple of other suggestions as well, but that’s the one that really stuck with me.
So that’s what I’m thinking about, and I’m going to give it a shot. Starting tomorrow (Monday, January 19th), I’m going to be releasing Like Glass one chapter a week. There will be links available with the posts to allow you to purchase the novel, if you start to grow impatient. Of course, you can always just wait it out – it’s 41 chapters, so it’s going to be a while
Trust me, I’ll be posting about it on the various social networks I’m a part of (i.e. Twitter, Facebook, etc.), so you probably would be hard pressed to miss it. I hate asking for re-tweets (and similar notions elsewhere), but please feel free to spread the word – even for this blog post – as much as you like.
Catch you tomorrow then, with Chapter 1 of Like Glass.
–Matt
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