Back To Work
Back to work today. Don’t know if I’m excited, scared, or what. Been off for about two months while they tweak my meds (psychoactive medication is always fun…), so it’ll be interesting to see what’s happened while I’ve been gone.
Hoping I might be able to transfer departments — I’m thinking about talking to my boss about it today; we’ll see what happens. Don’t know if I’ll have the nerve to do it, and it may not even be that great of an idea to do it today anyways — might be better to get back in the game a little bit first. I’ll play that part by ear…
The past few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster for me, and I’m not exactly sure where I’m at right now. I’ve gone from wanting to just chill and relax before going back to work, to wanting to go back to school, to throwing everything out the window and realizing that dreams are about useless (see previous post). Yesterday, I started thinking about starting up my own business; I’d like to do that, some kind of brick-and-mortar retail shop. I just haven’t a clue what I’d sell or how I’d get the capital. Not worried about it right now anyways; right now I need to start getting ready for work (damn, it feels like it’s been forever since I’ve had to say that).
Not terribly suicidal recently, but haven’t been exactly bouncing off the walls with joy either. Strange mix. Not sure if the new meds are really working very well yet; I seem better able to “fake it” — pretend that everything’s kosher — but I haven’t really been in much of a good mood to be honest.
One of my main things is that I feel kinda lost right now. A lot of this has to do with the whole dreams-don’t-matter mentality that I’ve been going through lately. I don’t know what direction to take with my life now, and that’s kinda wierd for me — it’s the first time in a long time that I haven’t really known what I want to do. In high school, it was music; then it was programming. Then it was writing. Now …?
Oh well, it’ll work itself out in the end, I’m sure. Time to get ready for work.
–Matt
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