Still Kickin’
Yep, I’m still alive, and I’m still writing. Actually doing some sketching for Vanishing Point — just as an FYI though, that’s strictly my working title, and I’m not sure if it’ll stick or not.
I’m also going about this one differently than Like Glass or Shattered — I’m actually trying to outline this one, in hopes that I’ll be able to make a better story of it. I’ve found it to be difficult, trying to tell the story before I tell the story, but it does seem to be working out fairly well. We’ll see what happens.
Just wanted to drop a line and let you know I’m still amongst the living.
–Matt
Trying to Get Back in the Saddle
Back on the writing train. Been working out some plot details today for a new book — something entirely different from Like Glass. More of a supernatural thriller. We’ll see what happens. Coming up with the ideas so far has been pretty interesting, especially since I’ve essentially given up on writing for a while. Might be neat to get something decent to come out of it.
Still need to get something figured out for work — either fixing where I’m at or trying to find some place new. Don’t know what to do, but it’ll figure it’s self out soon, I’m sure.
–Matt
This Should Not Come as a Big Surprise….
…but I think I might be stretching out my writing muscles again. It’s been a while, and I’m not making any promises (because I know I’ll just break them as soon as I make them anyways), but I think I might be opening the door to Rob’s world once again. Might even re-neg on one of my earlier posts and actually go through with editing and publishing Shattered. Should be interesting.
That’s all I’m going to say for now though; keep your eyes peeled.
–Matt
So Much for the 27 Club
Well, if nothing else, I’ve officially passed any opportunities I may have had for joining the 27 club — I’m officially 28 today (and besides, I think you have to be famous — especially as a musician — for you to be part of said club…). So, I’ve spent the day reading quotes from bash.org and doing absolutely nothing. Of course, that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing every day since I got back on leave, so it isn’t anything special.
Got a message on FB from a friend of mine who finished reading Like Glass, and (of course) they said it was great. Kinda irks me — and don’t take this the wrong way, if you happen to catch this — but it makes me wonder, if the damned book is so “great”, as everyone has said it is, why the fuck couldn’t I get it published? I dunno… Not gonna worry about it anymore; I think I’m done with that side of my life for now.
Was giving a half-assed thought to starting up my own company again, “Chocolate for Dogs Productions” (or something stupid like that). Sell my books, music, and software under one name, all relatively cheap. Not worth it though, especially when I’d have to worry about filing taxes and everything. It’d be fun to screw around with the stuff for a month or two, and then I’m sure I’d get tired of it.
Also, and this is one of the reasons I haven’t done much posting lately, I’ve been kinda keeping my eye out for another job. That’s a joke though. There’s no jobs out here, nothing that I can do with the skills I have and make as much money as I’m making now. I dunno….
I’ve been trying really hard to try and keep my chin up for a long time (I know it probably doesn’t sound like it most of the time), but the fact is nothing gets better, and I’m fucking tired of it. Meds don’t help. Therapy didn’t help. I don’t want to deal with either of those any more — I stopped doing the therapy stuff, and I’m seriously thinking of talking to my doc at the next appointment and dropping the meds too. It’s a waste of fucking time and money — and there isn’t a lot of the latter to waste any more.
Okay, I’m going to bash.org again, get a few more laughs before I have to go pick the wife up.
–Matt
Quickie Post — Where I’m At (Crappy Title, I Know)
Supposed to go see the shrink on Friday, but I’m thinking I may try and get an appointment set up for sooner if possible. I’m getting pretty close to just giving up — already stopped seeing the therapist, because as good as she is, I just don’t have the desire to get “better” at the moment. The meds the doc’s got me on just aren’t helping at all, and I’m getting a little tired of all the treatment stuff.
I knew going into all this that it wasn’t going to be any kind of a quick fix. I knew that the meds have to be tweaked: try different kinds at different dosages until you find what works. I knew that the cognitive therapy (counseling) would be a lot of hard work. And I was fine with that going into everything. Now, it’s just feeling like it’s a waste of time. I know you get out of it what you put into it, and lately I just don’t feel like putting anything into it anymore.
Still don’t know where the hell to go with anything. I almost feel like trying to write again, but to what end? I’m not going to get published; I’m not even going to simply try that anymore. Just not worth the energy required. Music? Probably not. I think I’ve had enough of software development, but I don’t really know what the hell else I can do with my life. Flip burgers for minimum wage? Well, someone’s got to do it…
Anyways, I’d better get ready to go back to the grind.
–Matt
Just Another Day in Paradise…
Very tired today. Don’t know if it’s just lack of sleep (probably) or what, but it feels deeper than that.
Been having problems concentrating at work. They gave me a rather simple project to try and get back in the loop with — just writing documentation — and I keep blanking out every time I try and do anything. I just stare at the computer screen and my eyes glaze over a little bit. Not cool.
Don’t really know what’s going on. Maybe I’m just worn out, but it feels like I can’t really do much “higher thought” kinda stuff any more. Like my brain just ain’t as sharp as it used to be. Don’t know if I’ve turned it off myself — trying to keep from getting burned out (ha ha) — or what.
Played “Name That Tune” with the Mrs. last night, and for some reason it really depressed me. I can point out (for example) “Lose Yourself” by Eminem within three notes, but I can’t function at even a modest level for work. Too bad you can’t make a living guessing songs…
Need to get ready for work; already running a little late.
–Matt
Not Really Anywhere
Well, day one back at work is in the books, and it went rather smoothly. Don’t know if I’ll be able to change teams/departments — I mentioned it to my boss at least though, so we’ll see what happens. Right now they just have me doing some documentation, so that’s cool; I don’t know how well I’d do at coding right at the moment, as I haven’t written a line of code in a month and a half at least.
Still don’t know where exactly I’m at. Felt kinda out of it for most of the day yesterday. Not exactly nervous or anxious, but not exactly comfortable either, and … well … just not “all there”. I don’t really know how to describe it.
Also, don’t have a clue where I’m going, either. Or (for that matter) if I even care where I’m going. I had a mild urge to try and write last night, and for most of yesterday I was almost in “planning mode”, waiting for some ideas, whether it’s for a book or a program or a business or whatever, but at the same time it was quite distant. Not very imperative. I don’t know if it’s a hint of a dying ghost, or if it’s my old ambitions trying to grow back.
Anyways, need to get ready to go.
–Matt
Back To Work
Back to work today. Don’t know if I’m excited, scared, or what. Been off for about two months while they tweak my meds (psychoactive medication is always fun…), so it’ll be interesting to see what’s happened while I’ve been gone.
Hoping I might be able to transfer departments — I’m thinking about talking to my boss about it today; we’ll see what happens. Don’t know if I’ll have the nerve to do it, and it may not even be that great of an idea to do it today anyways — might be better to get back in the game a little bit first. I’ll play that part by ear…
The past few weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster for me, and I’m not exactly sure where I’m at right now. I’ve gone from wanting to just chill and relax before going back to work, to wanting to go back to school, to throwing everything out the window and realizing that dreams are about useless (see previous post). Yesterday, I started thinking about starting up my own business; I’d like to do that, some kind of brick-and-mortar retail shop. I just haven’t a clue what I’d sell or how I’d get the capital. Not worried about it right now anyways; right now I need to start getting ready for work (damn, it feels like it’s been forever since I’ve had to say that).
Not terribly suicidal recently, but haven’t been exactly bouncing off the walls with joy either. Strange mix. Not sure if the new meds are really working very well yet; I seem better able to “fake it” — pretend that everything’s kosher — but I haven’t really been in much of a good mood to be honest.
One of my main things is that I feel kinda lost right now. A lot of this has to do with the whole dreams-don’t-matter mentality that I’ve been going through lately. I don’t know what direction to take with my life now, and that’s kinda wierd for me — it’s the first time in a long time that I haven’t really known what I want to do. In high school, it was music; then it was programming. Then it was writing. Now …?
Oh well, it’ll work itself out in the end, I’m sure. Time to get ready for work.
–Matt
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