Dreams and Reality
Blesed are those taken by Death before their dreams could fall, for they knew not the heartache of time.
I’ve been doing some thinking lately (oh God, here we go again), and this time it’s been mostly on the subject of dreams. I don’t mean the hallucinations you have at night, more like goals, fantasies, day-dreams, whatever.
I was thinking, how reasonable is it to tell someone their dreams will come true, all they need to do is work hard at it? I mean, just off the top of my head, how many people have seriously dreamed of being President of the U.S.? On the starting line up of the Chicago Bulls? How many performers have dreamed of playing Carnegie Hall?
We often hear people talking about how their dream came true, of how they’re proof that with enough hard work and determination, you can accomplish anything. I ask, how many stories of the opposite kind remain untold? How mamy people have died after a long life of pursuing their dreams in vain? We never hear those stories; I guess those aren’t good PR. They don’t instill hope, the naive ambition that keeps us going, day after day, working hard pushing buttons and pulling the levers of the corporate machine to make someone else’s dream come true.
So which would be more cruel? To dash someone’s hopes, make them aware of the true nature of the world, while they’re still young enough to change their perspective? In my freshman class of high school, there were almost two-thousand students — that’s just the freshman, not counting the other three grades. And even then, though somewhat tainted by the cynicism of reality, we were still told we could accomplish anything we set our mind to.
That’s two-thousand students getting their hopes up, having a false reality built underneath them with a shaky foundation of lies, dreams, and ambitions of becoming “somebody” in this world. Is it fair to them? I don’t think so. That’s two-thousand broken hearts just waiting to happen. No one ever goes around telling people “Bust your ass, and you might be a manager at McDonalds. If you’re lucky, of course.” Because that doesn’t sound good; c’mon, we’re a nation that would rather spend billions of dollars per year on industries that openly lie to us — movies, books, television — because we don’t like the truth.
A wise man once told me, when I was strung out over some girl in high school, that the odds were good that most of the girls I knew would end up becoming some Saturday night special in a cheap bar somewhere around town. And the more I see of life, the more I realize he was right. We all dream of becoming doctors, lawyers, teachers, or more, but when reality sets in, most of us won’t get there. There’s the old stand-by “Life just got in the way,” when in reality we were simply dealt the hand we were dealt, and told that it was a royal flush before we really knew the rules of the game.
–Matt
Have To
One thing that I’ve grown up with is a kind of belief that I “have to” accomplish certain things. I have to become a published writer. I have to work on music. I have to be a software developer. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember — I had to have some particular calling, some ultimate plan or goal in my life.
What’s been going through my mind recently, therefore, has been quite a change. It’s really simple, and something that most people probably already believe; what can I say? I’m a little slow sometimes.
I don’t have to do a goddamned thing. Someday, I have to die, and all I have to do until then is exist. I don’t have to have a great job. I don’t have to own a house. I don’t have to write another book, or any more music. The job that I have right now requires I write software, but I don’t have to do a damned thing with it outside of work. If I ever get a different job, maybe that’ll change too.
The only reason I have to work is that I want to provide food and shelter for my family in some manner. Developing software is as good a way as any, and better than some.
So, for the time being at least, that’s how I’m looking at life: something I have to do until I die, and that’s simply by definition. Call me cynical if you like, but for now I’m defining life as that annoying period between birth and death. There is no meaning to it, no real point. At least, not from my perspective, unless you count the scientific view of continuing the species. Or, for something a little “happier”, watch City Slickers, where Curly defines the meaning of life. I used to go for that. Or hell, maybe it really is 42 and we’re all fucked.
–Matt
Yet Another “Going-Back-On-Previous-Post” Post
One of these days I’ll learn to keep my mouth shut when it comes to making announcements. You’d think I’d have learned my lesson just from the little fiasco with Vanilla Heart Publishing, but alas, no, I haven’t.
Now, of course, I’m referring to my previous declaration of my intent to go back to school and pursue music once again. As always, I spoke without having fully thought everything through, and upon further review the situation isn’t quite what I thought it was.
So, now what? Good question. Basically, all that’s left is to just give in and go back to work, and set aside what I can so my children don’t have the same problem(s).
I’ve been doing a lot of reading on Wikipedia lately — actually, I’ve done very little but read Wikipedia in the past three weeks — and I came across some stuff on Buddhism that I really like.
Basically, there’s “Four Noble Truths”; I’m not going to cover them — you can look it up if you like. The third one says that, to eliminate suffering, one must eliminate cravings. This makes perfect sense, to me at least. I’m most unhappy when what I want doesn’t equal what I have (either immediately or in the foreseeable future). I can’t change my surroundings; I’m stuck at a job I despise, with no possibility that’s going to improve. Sorry, I’ve given up hope of that.
So, instead of changing what I have, I change what I want. Instead of wanting to be a published author and making myself miserable while I work on it, I simply stop wanting to be a published author. Instead of wanting to teach music somewhere, and make myself again miserable in the process, I make myself stop wanting it. Instead of wanting a good job that pays the bills and doesn’t drive me to suicidal ideations at least once a day, I need to simply want what I have.
It’ll be tough, but it’ll be easier than trying to change circumstances I have no control over. We’ll see what happens.
–Matt
And Now for Something Entirely Different…
As is often the case, the past few days have found me increasingly anxious over the direction of my life. I’ve been fighting with this kinda stuff for a loooong time, kind of a quarter-life crisis that I’ve never really dealt with too well, one that’s been attacking me for almost ten years.
When I was in high school, I had everything planned out. I was going to be a concert pianist and a composer. Simple as that; there really wasn’t anything else to even consider. Then I got out of high school, and out into the college world — not quite the real world, but a lot closer than high school was. And, for better or worse, I pushed music aside to pursue a career in software development.
At that time — late ’90′s, early ’00′s — that was the field. This was right before the dot-com bubble burst, and if the rumour was that if you knew anything about computers, you could write your own ticket.
Honestly, I’ve been miserable ever since.
And, now, after almost ten years, I’ve finally decided that I need to go back. I have to. I tried pushing it away so damned hard, but music is just a part of who and what I am.
So, at present, I’m planning on going back to school. I haven’t the foggiest idea exactly what I’m going to do — maybe take online courses and get the basics out of the way, or see what kind of loans I can get, I don’t know. But I have to. I can’t fight it anymore. Most likely I’ll end up teaching, and that’s wonderful — I’d rather do that than perform. That’s where my life belongs though, in chords and harmonies. Not in databases and compilers.
–Matt
Random Thoughts for a Gray Day
It’s a rather gray day out here in “sunny” El Paso, and I’m enjoying it by sitting on the back porch with a pack of smokes and a cup of coffee. I’m having an interesting time at the moment, trying to figure out what I’m doing and where I’m going.
I know, this isn’t anything new — it seems every other week I post something along these lines (in between posts about giving up the writing gig, of course). But I think I have made some progress over the past month or so. It may just be the new meds — I’m on the infamous Prozac now, and it seems to be working fairly well — but I think I’m on a decent course to making peace with myself, and with life.
For a long time, I harbored the fantasy that I was destined to be someone big in the world — at least big enough to get a Wikipedia page — and I’m letting that go I think. Not that I’m against it if it happens, but I’m no longer expecting it. It’s actually quite nice to just let yourself be no one.
Instead of pursuing such ambitious goals as becoming the next best-selling author, I’m focusing on more mundane goals. One, actually, and that’s just giving my family the best future I possibly can. My wife, the child(ren) we plan to have, our pets. I’m wanting to start up a savings account for the future — college for the kid(s), retirement, etc. I have a 401K at work that I’m actually going to start contributing to in the next couple of paychecks. Might even try and get a second job and put all the money from that straight into whatever savings accounts we set up.
The ambition isn’t entirely gone, mind you. I’m also considering starting up a line of simple, inexpensive software for the same purpose as the second job. Might give that a shot first, as I could work at my own pace instead of having to go in on someone else’s schedule.
I’m not talking about anything major, just little database apps for tracking stuff like contacts, home inventory, stuff like that. Sell them for a buck a pop, or maybe even just on a donation basis.
Of course, I could do the same with the writing stuff, I know. Write short stories and put them in a collection, sell the collection for a buck or two per download. Strangely though, that just feels like a lot more work than writing software, even though I believe it’s less (I’d have to actually sit down and figure it out — supporting software is a pain in the ass).
Or I might do none of the above, and just let life go along as-is, putting a little from each paycheck into savings (we’ve got that set up now, but it hasn’t taken hold yet — new bank accounts and all that crap). I really don’t know for sure, and I think I’m okay with that — not everything needs a plan, you know?
For a while, I’ve been pissed at myself for letting the deal with Vanilla Heart Publishing fall through; it was my chance at getting the writing gig off the ground, and I got ahead of myself and screwed it up. Now, though, I’m kinda glad it didn’t work out. I can only imagine how stressful life would be if I were trying to publicize Like Glass at the level required by an actual published writer.
Okay, that’s enough of the random thoughts. I’m going to go back to either playing video games, reading Wikipedia, or just doing nothing.
–Matt
Intensity
Today I’ve found myself fighting the same intensity that has driven me crazy over past months. I know what it stems from as well: my earlier post about Shattered, and subsequent notifications of that post on the social media networks I used to frequent. It’s left me checking my stat counter page, looking to see if anyone new has come to visit; checking Twitter and my email for any responses.
This is an intensity that I nurtured for a long time, and it served me well for a while. It’s the intensity that made me learn how to play piano, how to develop software, that forced me to write my two novels.
This same intensity is what I’m now trying to move my life away from. It’s more troublesome than beneficial now, as it only causes me undue stress. I’m currently trying to make peace with life, with myself, and this intensity is a difficult obstacle to overcome in that search.
That’s the main reason I’ve stayed away from Facebook and Twitter (et al) for the past week or so (that and a rather nasty cold); and I see now that trying to publicize myself is the primary stressor I’ve brought into my life in the past couple of years. Now I know how to avoid it.
–Matt
Shattered Will Not Be Released
I’ll start this off with the “important” news, just to get it out of the way: I have decided that I will not be releasing Shattered, the sequel to Like Glass, in any form.
This was not a very easy decision to make, as it took a lot of my time and energy to work on the novel, and I spent a lot of extra energy trying to build up a buzz for it. To those who were waiting for it, I apologize.
The novel was something that needed to be written, but not something that needs to be read. I went through a very rough stretch last summer — still dealing with some of those demons to some degree — and the novel was a means for me to deal with some of the issues of that time.
There’s lots of ways things could’ve have happened differently, but the path that I’ve walked for the past several months has led me to a place where the release of the novel would do more harm than good. Not because of the content per se, but because of everything associated with releasing the novel and publicizing it. The energy required for such a venture needs to be spent on other aspects of life, and the novel itself isn’t a story that needs to be heard; as I said, it simply needed to be written.
This is admittedly hypocritical, as I’ve mentioned before that I don’t believe in writing something that isn’t intended to be read. Rules are, as the cliche goes, made to be broken, and I’m willing to make an exception in this instance at least.
There are some people I’ve contacted about ealy reading, editing, and other production aspects for the novel; all I can say to you is that I thank you for the time you’ve taken with it, and I hope you enjoy the novel as a leisurely read.
Like Glass is still a free download, and still available for purchase for those of you who prefer a hard cover — simply do a search on Amazon (I don’t have the links readily available).
Thank you all for your readership. It’s been an interesting ride.
–Matt
A Bit of an Epilogue
Wow, it’s been over a week since I’ve posted a blog – hard to believe I’ve been able to stay away that long. And, honestly, it feels pretty damned good. Surprised me. If you hadn’t noticed, I’ve also managed to avoid spamming my Twitter or Facebook accounts as well, which is another big deal. Well, for those who may be wondering where I’ve been, I’ve been re-discovering life outside of the blogs and social networks, while adjusting to my new medication regiment.
And I must say, it’s quite relaxing. For once, in what feels like ages, I haven’t given more than a passing thought to Like Glass or Shattered. I haven’t worried at all about people’s public opinion of me, or trying to stay in the public eye at all. I’ve even gotten a rather brutal email from a blogger who specializes in eBooks, informing me that she chooses to no longer read my blog for reasons that remain unclear to me, and I see no need to respond or try to salvage her opinion of me.
Instead, I’m trying to focus on “real” life, instead of the fantasy world I was trying to design for myself. I’m trying to consider – seriously consider – my future, and where I’d like it to go, based on accomplishments I’ve made in my life and what I’d still like to try. It’s tough, as the only thing left is a doctor of some kind (probably psychiatry), and that’s a lot more trouble than I care to put my family through. In the mean time, I’m mainly trying to focus on arranging the details of my current life to fit a little better. Like trying to transfer to a new team at work, in hopes that the position will be a little less stressful overall. Or trying to figure out a decent way to get started investing, so my wife and I can have a comfortable retirement and maybe our kids can go to school. (In that order of priority, too – I know way too many kids who had to fight their own financial battles to get through school to feel comfortable about paying my children’s tuition).
But, I’m relaxing, and that’s the most important thing. It’s something I haven’t really done in a long time. I’ve done a touch of programming here and there, but for the most part I’ve done little of any redeeming social value with my spare time. Today, for example, I ran an errand for the Mrs. and spent the rest of the day reading a novel on the couch (Edenborn, by Nick Sagan – not as good as Idlewild, but still a good read). I finished it, so I’ll have to find something else to read tomorrow – that’s a crying shame 
I’ve come a long way from the guy who, only a couple of weeks ago, would update his Twitter status every five minutes, trying to get people to read my book. As of this writing, I haven’t updated Twitter in about a week; Facebook in about four days.
And I don’t really miss it at all.
That’s why I’m saying this blog post is a bit of an epilogue, because it feels like I’m closing off a section of my life. Not a chapter – it’s far too big a chunk to just be a chapter – but an actual volume in my story. The story of my battles with trying to become an author, with struggling through depression, with moving to Washington state and moving back to El Paso. That’s the story, I think, the one that began when I got on that plane, with fifty bucks in my wallet (my dad’s money) after saying goodbye to the girl who would become the woman that would become my wife; I got on that plane looking to start my life, and that’s exactly what I did. It had it’s ups and downs, including a detour back to El Paso for a downward spiral that led back to Washington. It found me a career as a software developer, and a passion for writing.
That story, I believe, is done. It’s time to move along past that book, to start looking toward a future that may not include the passions and goals that I’d like for it to include, but a future that will be real, that will be whole and complete and (hopefully) not quite as illusory as my past has been. (As a wise man once said, you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.)
As this blog has been a part of that story, I honestly don’t know whether I’ll continue posting or not. I don’t feel the need to try and boast about my writing or programming abilities as I once did, nor do I truly feel much of a desire to get back into the whole “social media” craze. There’s very few topics I have an honest opinion on in this world, and I don’t really keep up with news – either general or industry-specific – as much as other bloggers do, so there’s really little for me to write about. Besides, when I made little list of things I wanted to do with the rest of my life, “blogger” wasn’t on there (nor was it really on the list of things I’d accomplished, either, as it serves a very small function in my mind).
For those of you who are waiting for the next Vanishing Point entry, I must offer my apologies. I won’t say that it will never get finished; I may dust it off some day and try my hand at it again. But I have no plans at the moment to continue working on it. Writing is a wonderful craft, one that I enjoy immensely, but getting what I write read by others stresses me out more than I wish to deal with, and I see little point in writing something you don’t want anyone to read.
Anyways….
The wife is on her way home, so I’m going to draw this to a close and venture to the backyard for a cigarette in the dwindling twilight. Until we meet again…
–Matt
Life In Limbo
Today feels pretty damned strange. For the first time in what feels like forever – but surely is only a few months at most – I’m not pushing my writing, and it feels right this time. That’s not a big surprise to me; I know why this time feels different than the other times: I’ve admitted and accepted that I’m not a salesman in any way, and I don’t want to be one. That’s a big load off, as that’s what was bugging me the most.
What makes everything feel odd now is that I’ve spent so much time recently trying to sell my books that I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore. It’s like waking up from a fever, where you can finally see things with a bit of clarity, and everything seems a little different. And, I don’t really know what to do anymore.
I mean, there’s programming as the old standby. I’ve been struggling with that for a while, but I’m coming back to it with a kinder eye now. It’s more fun than it had been for a long time. I simply don’t know what kind of program to write. The only thing that suggests itself to me is a writer’s notebook application, but that feels fake, like I’m just trying to hold onto the writing/marketing gig too much. I know I wouldn’t use it, so what’s the point in writing it? (Not implying that I won’t be writing anymore, it’s just that that isn’t my “style” – I’m a seat-of-the-pants’er kind of writer, and my idea of being organized is limited to a note-card or two while I’m smoking.)
One thing that I know for sure though, and this may get me in trouble if anyone where I work sees this, but I need to find a new job. This one’s killing me. Well, it’s not killing me, but, to put it bluntly, it’s definitely making me consider death as a viable option. But I’ve got two strikes against me from the get-go: no college degree and a national recession. Plus, moving isn’t an option, and El Paso’s hardly the next Silicon Valley, which means most likely I’ll have to find someone willing to hire a telecommuter. (Relocating isn’t an option, unfortunately; too deep of roots out here, and me and the wife just simply aren’t moving again…) So, if you know someone who’s looking for a C# developer, drop me a line and we’ll see what we can work out.
Anyways, I need to figure out what direction to take my life now. Again. Ought to be fun, at any rate.
Catch you on the flip side.
–Matt
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